


I realized I lived to love you

by Ibijau



Category: The Untamed - Fatal Journey, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad, Spoilers, y'all know canon ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:08:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23345236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ibijau/pseuds/Ibijau
Summary: Nie Huaisang has a crush.Nie Huaisang is in love.Nie Huaisang is left alone.
Relationships: Nie Huaisang/Zonghui
Comments: 19
Kudos: 94





	I realized I lived to love you

**Author's Note:**

> I know other people watched Fatal journey and saw how Zonghui is very, very protective and kind to his Young Master, so yep.
> 
> WARNING: major canon character death, and SPOILERS for Fatal Journey

1.

Zonghui is Nie Huaisang’s cousin, but only very distantly and in fairness, about half the region is tied by blood to the Nie clan to some degree. So Nie Huaisang doesn’t feel too bad about the fact that lately, he’s been hanging on the fringes of the training grounds more often. If someone asks, he’s watching the disciples’ form and trying to learn from example. Nobody asks though, so he’s free to watch those very, very handsome older boys train in the summer heat, their clothes so dread in sweat that the fabric clings to their bodies. Zonghui in particular is a delight for the eyes.

For once, Nie Huaisang isn’t fanning himself just for show. He’s about ready to pass out from how hot everything feels. Then Zonghui spots him hiding in the shadows and smiles and…

Nie Huaisang all but runs away at being discovered, missing the way Zonghui barely refrains from laughing at his reaction.

2.

Cloud Recesses is the most boring place in the world, but at least it’s nice to be away from Nie Mingjue. Nie Huaisang loves his brother, but being sect leader has turned him into the world’s most boring person. For a brief moment, Nie Huaisang considers what it’d be like if Nie Mingjue were in Cloud Recesses. The thought is so incongruous that he bursts out laughing in the middle of a lecture. That pisses off Lan Qiren, who somehow decides it must be Wei Wuxian’s fault and punishes them both.

For this, Nie Huaisang gets a scalding letter from his brother that threatens to break all his limbs and set fire to his bedroom if he doesn’t fucking behave for five minutes, as well as ordering him to stop hanging out with that weird Wei Wuxian kid.

There’s another letter with it, written in a different hand. Zonghui says that Nie Mingjue has already started calming down but, just in case, he took the liberty of discreetly hiding some of Nie Huaisang’s favourite paintings, brushes and fans. He wanted to also hide some of the books, but he noticed that they’re already gone and must assume Nie Huaisang wisely brought them along.

Nie Huaisang smiles for the rest of the day, even when he’s stuck in the library in company of Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian.

3.

Zonghui is a few years older than the other hostages, but the Wens don’t seem to care. They have the Second Young Master of Qingge Nie, so everyone else from that sect is just there for the number as far as they’re concerned.

It’s comforting to know that there’s someone here on whom Nie Huaisang can count, but it’s also unnerving. Wen Chao probably won’t dare actually hurt Nie Huaisang, not unless he wants to give Nie Mingjue an excuse to attack, but everyone else, everyone less valuable to them… Nie Huaisang is an hostage, but the other disciple of Qingge Nie even more so. If he slips in any way, they’ll be the ones to pay the price.

Even in Cloud Recesses, Nie Huaisang has never been such a diligent, serious, obedient student.

He won’t give anyone an excuse to hurt Zonghui and the others.

4.

After the first battle of the Sunshot Campaign, Nie Huaisang drags Zonghui away from the others who fought behind Nie Mingjue and kisses him square on the lips.

It has been a long time coming, they have exchanged looks for a long time now, but Nie Huaisang enjoyed that game of cat and mouse they had going on. He liked the smiles and the glances and the casual brushes of hands, so he might have continued playing a while longer if given the chance.

Now is no longer the time for such games. Not when Nie Huaisang saw how many disciples haven’t returned to the Unclean Realm, and how many of those who returned are badly wounded.

In a moment, Nie Huaisang will go check on his brother, then help the healers to the best of his capacity. But for now, he’s enjoying being kissed and held close.

“I thought Young Master was never going to take his chance,” Zonghui teases him after, as they walk back toward the courtyard.

“Well, nobody was stopping you from taking the first step,” Nie Huaisang pouts.

“And ruin your fun? You’d have refused to kiss me just to spite me.”

That’s not wrong of course, but Nie Huaisang isn’t going to admit it out loud. Instead he pinches Zonghui’s arm for his insubordination.

The world, around them, is full of chaos and fear, but there’s still some good to be found, if you look in the right place.

5.

The war is won.

The Unclean Realm is quiet, more than it was before the campaign. It will take a while to train new disciples to make up for the ones who died. Nie Huaisang tries his best to help where he can. It’s a way to assuage his guilt over the fact that, unlike so many others, he never saw the battlefield. People fought and died while he was at home cleaning bandages and writing letters.

“We needed people to care for the wounded,” Zonghui reminds him as they lay in bed. “And we needed allies. I have the deepest respect for our Sect Leader, but there’s a reason he left it to you to write to small sects and convince them to join us.”

“His calligraphy is a _horror_ ,” Nie Huaisang concedes. It’s not what Zonghui meant of course, but it’s still true. “Still… I could have done more. Maybe I should have insisted to fight…”

“You fought where you were the strongest, Young Master. There’s no shame in that.”

Nie Huaisang pouts, both at the title (he hates when Zonghui uses it in private, which Zonghui knows of course) and at the attempt to comfort him.

“You’re boring,” he complains. “Let me lament on my fate a little more. Such woe! I am an artist in a family of warriors! Ah, what a life, what a horror! How I long to be more than I am!”

“You’re plenty enough already,” Zonghui grumbles.

“Shush I said, I’m being lyrical. Woe, terrible woe! All who know me would rather I follow the path of my forefathers, but alas!”

Zonghui huffs, half annoyed and half amused by Nie Huaisang’s antics. A little more bad poetry, and Zonghui figures out that the best way to silence him is to kiss him.

That, of course, was Nie Huaisang’s plan all along, but he still makes a show of protesting, just for fun.

6.

Since the massacre at Nightless City, Nie Mingjue’s mental state has gotten worse and worse. Huaisang hears whispers of an illness, and sees how some of the older disciples watch his brother with ever growing fear. He notices also that some conversations stop as soon as he comes into view.

When asked about it, Nie Mingjue denies that anything is wrong and claims it is nothing more than unrest of his spiritual energy.

But if things were right, he wouldn’t allow Jin Guangyao to play spiritual melodies to him.

If things were right, he wouldn’t be forcing Nie Huaisang to practice the blade when they both know how hopeless that endeavour is.

Something is wrong with Nie Mingjue, yet Nie Huaisang is kept in the dark about it. Even Zonghui won’t tell him, although it’s obvious that he knows. It’s an ongoing argument between them.

Then one day, thieves break into the Sword’s Halls and, finally, Nie Huaisang learns the truth.

He understands why Zonghui did not want to tell him, because now he wishes he didn’t know what his family has done, is doing, will keep doing if nobody stops this madness.

7.

It’s not the first time that Nie Mingjue is threatening someone from their sect before of his unstable mind. Nie Huaisang has been on the receiving end of that a few times just these last few weeks. And after everything that has happened in this cursed tomb, after fighting that sword spirit, of course Nie Mingjue is unwell, of course he doesn’t realise that Zonghui isn’t possessed anymore.

Nie Huaisang doesn’t hesitate before using the flute Jin Guangyao gave him, playing the melody he’s memorised from ear. For something he’s never done before, it works surprisingly well at first.

At first.

Then Nie Mingjue slits Zonghui’s throat in one swift strike.

When that blade turns toward him, Nie Huaisang does nothing to avoid it. It has been too much blood, too much loss.

He doesn’t know whether to be relieved or not when Nie Mingjue comes back to himself. It’s not that Nie Huaisang wants to die, but right now being alive feels like the hardest thing he’s ever gone through.

He follows Nie Mingjue’s gaze toward Zonghui’s corpse, lying in a pool of his own blood. Zonghui who will never tease him and protect him and ruin his paintings and kiss him and snore like a barbarian when they spend the night together and complain that Nie Huaisang kicks in his sleep.

Zonghui is gone.

But Nie Mingjue is still there, looking ready to break as he watches the carnage around them.

“It was the sword’s spirit that did this,” Nie Huaisang lies, holding onto his brother.

It’s hard to say if Nie Mingjue believes him or not. Perhaps it doesn’t matter. Even if the sword spirit killed those men, it is their Sect Leader’s fault for taking them into danger.

8.

The realisation that Jin Guangyao messed with Nie Mingjue’s mind to hasten his breakdown and provoke a Qi deviation was hard to stomach.

Another one follows, some hours later. Nie Huaisang was struggling to fall asleep, seething with rage and despair over his brother’s fate, when a thought hits him with such force that he nearly chokes on it.

Nie Huaisang killed Zonghui.

Not directly, and certainly not on purpose. But he played Jin Guangyao’s tainted melody to his brother in that cursed place, and Zonghui died as a result.

For this too, for making Nie Huaisang his weapon, for taking the person he loved most after his brother, Jin Guangyao will pay.

**Author's Note:**

> Not my best work but I needed to get this out of my system and also I am just not comfortable writing about movies/series etc because I can't double check the source material as easily lol


End file.
